i can’t sleep yet, so

tw racism homophobia body general moodiness mayb bratiness

wondering where the radical people r ? how is it that i can barely explain myself in chinese when being critical of a new chain gym’s (http://www.worldgymtaiwan.com) super sexist enormous ad campaign that is next to every bus/metro/place i find myself at, but that people i meet around my age know how to use the english word “gay” as a slur ? i found some flyers for events at a nice, small bookstore that rekindled some hope

but the facebook event was strange because it said invited were “man or woman, gay or straight” which seemed pretty exclusive and frustrating, and i know it might just be a language/translation thing, but i’m having a hard time feeling excited about things in general that i want to critique right off the bat but feel like i have to be quieter about as a survival type thing ?

or maybe, wondering if i am bad at asking for help ? i am really bad at asking for help, maybe i need to really be honest and ask for help for more (free) resources here

still seeing mainly white faces/bodies on billboards and in ads or east asian models’ faces that comply with eurocentric beauty standards and wondering if i should feel excited about that too ? i feel sort of sad thinking there’s this inability to think about beauty in new ways that actively counters those globally dominant beauty standards, and it makes me sadder that it is there when i look in a mirror

wondering if my grandma is okay ? she is in the hospital again, going through a procedure, and the last time i saw her she remembered me and said i was a powerful girl/child. but the last time i saw her before that, she just got out of the hospital, she thought i was my mom, then my cousin, then someone else from the past, and barely opened her eyes all day. i want to be in the hospital, reading all the labels of things they are using for her there, feeling in control instead of reading about scary things on webmd

did you know she worked so many jobs she bought a house big enough for all of us ? did you know she never hit us ? did you know your big aunt worked forever at the post office, she hated the uniform, and she bought that apartment, and we all lived in that apartment you are staying in at some point in our lives ? 

no one has offered me skin-bleaching products (yet), although i was really disappointed to see an ad for a douching product with bleaching additives (“beautiful whitening”) in a women’s film festival brochure. it’s hard to find any products without the “beautiful whitening” additives

when we bump into each other, need to get a person’s attention, end a request, or feel a little embarrassed, we say “不好意思”; it is the same as sorry for me in english, and i do say sorry a lot all the time, including back in the states, and it really messes me up when people get mad at people for “saying sorry too much” or apologizing too much, and basically linguistically shaming me for using “powerless” speech (search: “verbal hygiene”) and i think the idea of a bossy girl is cool and i think i can be assertive and still use that but maybe i can think of a new phrase that fits english better

a bro (american) i met called me racist in front of a few new friends for talking about my concerns about my taiwanese friend who is in italy right now, who doesn’t speak much italian. i was referring to several really horrible experiences my east-asian appearing friends have had in italy, as well as the historical and contemporary culture of racism towards aapi in europe .. it’s been a while since i met someone who didn’t know what racism meant

wondering why darren wilson gets so much time and forgiveness and (any) support ? wondering why george zimmerman is going to have a reality tv show on CNN ??? 



Hiroo Isono